Sunday, September 7, 2014

Hail the King!

The smell has arrived.

It’s that time of the year in Malaysia when the smell announces the arrival of the king. For the uninitiated (read Caucasian), the fruit attacks the nostrils like some odoriferous fart. In fact, the durian has not been accorded the royal treatment it so rightly deserves by the hotel industry. After 52 years of independence, I think it’s high time the hotels rolled out their red carpets to welcome the king of fruits. Just think of it: the king of fruits is barred from our hotels.

What ignominy!

If this happens in France or some other republics –I can understand– for they have no love for royalty. But this is Malaysia, man, and we Malaysians revere the fruit. And we Malaysians love our king – in fact, we have nine rulers who take turns to be the king every five years. Are our hotels off- limits to our king or Agung? Then, why ban the king of fruits from gracing the hotels?

For the life of me, I just can’t understand how our very own government could allow this affront to our beloved king to continue for so long. Is it because of some colonial hangover that we should protect over-sensitive white noses who simply can’t stand the sweet fragrance of our king- at our expense? Talk about our sovereignty! We can't even take durians into our own hotels!

Huh! - I would like to propose that parliament legislate the law of lese majeste to protect the dignity of this king of fruits. The law of lese majeste could then be used against any hotel owner for barring the king of fruits from their hotel. It could be used for other acts of disrespect like calling the king ‘smelly’, ‘ordoriferous’, ‘pungent’, or likening its smell to ‘damp socks’.

When the law comes into effect, we shall invite Chef Andrew Zimmern (of the Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern TV food documentary) to come to Malaysia and repeat his ‘rotten mushy onion’ remark against our king. We shall then shackle him with durians in the very same durian orchard where he made the offensive remark against our beloved king.

Honestly, I can’t wait for the day when hotels like the HyattHilton, and Sheraton will open their doors to guests bearing the thorny fruit. It should even be mandatory for doormen to give the durian bearing guest a royal salute – or at least a slight nod as a mark of respect. It should even be de rigueur for durians to be served at hotel buffets or banquets – during the durian runtuh season, of course.

Hail the king!